ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
ANTIQUE: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.
ATHEISM is a non-prophet organization. -- George Carlin
BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but do not read.
DICTIONARY: A place where success comes before work.
DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
ETERNITY: The last two minutes of a football game.
EXPERIENCE : The name men give to their mistakes.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him/her.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
GROCERY LIST:. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
KISSING: A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.
POLITICIAN: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VEGETARIAN: Old Indian word for bad hunter.
YAWN: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
