Life Got You Down? If you've been a little depressed lately and have contemplated partaking in the bliss of death, here are some suggestion on how to kill yourself. Even if you don't use these exclusive royalty free suicide methods, remember to do it as creatively as possible. Don't be boring and just take sleeping pills, go out with style and flare. All these methods require some planning but don't let that dissuade you. Your life must be pretty pathetic if you're killing yourself. Why not leave a legacy?
Esi Noguris no dzīves?
Ja Tu pēdējā laikā esi juties nomākts un esi apsvēris beigt savu dzīvi, piedāvāju pāris veidus kā to izdarīt. Pat ja Tu neizmantosi šīs autortiesību neaizsargātās metodes, mēģini to darīt pēc iespējas radošāk. Neesi garlaicīgs un prasts vienkārši iedzerot miegazāles, aizejot bez stila un ponta. Visām šīm metodēm ir nepieciešama sagatavošanās un plānošana, taču neliec tam sevi apstādināt. Ja tu patiešām apsver pašnāvības izdarīšanu, Tavai dzīvei jābūt diezgan nožēlojamai, un kāpēc gan neatstāt kādu mantojumu?
Explosives Strapped to Your Body Difficulty level: 7 Get a LOT of explosives. The more the better. Hook up a detonator to an altimeter. Set it for 100-200 feet. That will give you good dispersion. Mix vaseline and gasoline in a bucket. Find a really tall building. Something like the World Trade Center (not anymore, but you get the idea smarty pants) is perfect and is in a sufficiently crowded area to generate the proper sized crowd. Get an extra large trench coat, ski mask, duct tape and a very reliable wind-proof lighter. Torch lighters are best. Bring your materials to the top of your building. Liberally apply the vaseline-gasoline mixture to your entire body. Duct tape the explosives around your legs, arms, head and torso. The more explosives you use, the better. Attach the altimeter to the explosives. Put on the trench coat and mask so that the explosives are not visible. Start ranting and throwing things so that you are sure to attract notice. Drag this part out as long as possible. Say anything that comes to mind but try to stay away from real problems. Your love life does not make for a good sound bite, something about trees telling you to kill yourself works good. Ask for news cameras from the major networks, so you can warn them of the coming tree invasion. Pace around while waving your arms and pointing a lot. If there are trees around, point at them. DO NOT let on that you have explosives on your body. The police will clear the area and you definitely don't want that. When you've gotten the crowd to a fevered pitch, when the helicopters are hovering like vultures, whip off the jacket and set yourself on fire. Wait until you are completely engulfed in flame then jump. Try to steer yourself towards the people in the crowd who are chanting 'jump, jump, jump'. That way flaming falling body parts will pelt them when you explode. If you used enough explosives, everyone within seeing distance will have a piece of you. Congratulations! You've just made history. I bet it feels good just thinking about it. But don't cheer up, there are plenty of other ways to do the deed.
Sprāgstvielas pievienotas pie Tava ķermeņa.
Grūtības pakāpe - 7
Dabūn DAUDZ sprāgstvielu, jo vairāk, jo labāk.
Pievieno altimetru detonatoram, nostādi augstumu uz kādām 100-200 pēdām (30-60 metri) Atjauc spainī vazelīnu ar benzīnu. Atrodi patiešām augstu ēku. Vēlams, lai tās apkārtne būtu pietiekami drūzmaina, lai varētu piesaistīt lielu pūli. Dabūn ļoti lielu mēteli, slēpotāju masku, līmlenti un vēja izturīgas šķiltavas, kurām varētu uzticēties Uznes visus materiālus uz ēkas jumta. brīvi apklāj visu savu ķermeni ar vazelīna-benzīna kārtu. Ar līmlenti pielīmē sprāgstvielas ap savām kājām, rokām un rumpi, jo vairāk sprāgstvielas Tu izmanto, jo labāk. Pievieno altimetru sprāgstvielām. Uzvelc mēteli un slēpotāja masku, tā lai neviens neredz sprāgstvielas.. Stāvot uz jumta sāc aktīvi žestikulēt, bļaustīties un mest mantas pūlī, lai pievērstu pēc iespējas lielāku uzmanību. Saki jebko, kas varētu ievilkt visu procesu, bet centies nerunāt par īstām problēmām. Tavas mīlas dzīves neveiksmes šajā gadījumā nebūs īstais variants, labāk izvēlies kautko tādu kā 'koki teica man, lai es sevi nogalinu'. Lūdz mediju uzmanību, lai varētu viņus brīdināt par tūlītēju un katastrofālu koku un delfīnu armijas iebrukumu. Staigā apkārt, norādi uz lietām. Ja apkārt ir koki, nkini rādi uz viņiem ar pirkstiem. Policija NEDRĪKST zināt, ka tu esi sev pievienojis sprāgstvielas, jo tad viņi atbrīvos visu teritoriju ap augstceltni. Kad esi piesaistījis pietiekami lielu uzmanību, norauj mēteli un aizdedzini sevi. Nogaidi līdz esi pilnībā liesmu pārņemts un lec. Mēģini stūrēt savu kritienu pretīm pūlim, kas skaļi atkārto 'lec, lec, lec'. Tādā veidā tavi degosie ķermeņa gabali pārklās pēc iespējas lielāku cilvēku skaitu. Ja tu izmantoji pietiekami daudz sprāgstvielu, tad tām detonējoties, Tu būsi pārklajis visu ar karstu gaļas asiņu maisījumu, cik vien talu var redzēt. Apsveicu, Tu tikko rakstīji vēsturi, taču nepaliec pārāk uztraukts, vēl ir daudz citu ellišķīgu veidu, kā izdarīt darbiņu.
Death by Hairball Difficulty level: 3 Get a cat or a dog and brush it every day. Save the hair until you have a giant hairball. Plug up your nose then shove the hairball into your mouth. Leave a cryptic note about how you believe little Fluffy or Rover was planning to kill you in your sleep.
Nāve no matu pikas. Grūtības līmenis: 3 Dabūn kaķi vai suni un ķemmē to katru dienu. Krāj matus, kamēr esi sakrājis milzīgu piku. Aizbāz ciet savu degunu un tad iebāz mutē matu piku. Atstāj trāgisku pēcnāves zīmīti par to, ka, tavuprāt, Minka vai Reksis ir taisījies Tevi nogalināt miegā.
Meat Grinder Difficulty level: 11 Find a sausage making company that has a giant meat grinder. Set up a hidden video camera to tape your death. Leave a will with explicit instructions that it not be read until one year after the night of your grinding. In it, detail the way you died and the location of the hidden camera. Sneak in at night naked and turn on the video camera. Climb into the grinder and take massive amounts of pills of your choice. Make sure it is enough to kill you. In the morning you will be ground up and made into sausages. One year later your will, will be read to the news media and people all around the nation will vomit simultaneously.
Gaļas Mašīna Grūtības Līmenis: 11 Atrodi gaļas pārstrādes cehu, kam ir milzīga gaļas maļamā mašīna. Novieto slēpto kameru, kas nofilmēs tavu nāvi. Atstāj mantojumu ar stingru norādi, ka tas nedrīkst tikt izlasīts ātrāk kā gadu pēc tās nakts, kad tu sevi samalsi. Testamentā, sīkās detaļās apraksti, kur tu nomiri un kur atrodas slēptā kamera. Pa nakti ielavies cehā un ieslēdz videokameru. Ierāpies iekšā gaļas mašīnā un sarijies reāli daudz tablešu, pietiekami, lai tās tevi nogalinātu. No rīta Tu tiksi samalts, kad cehs sāks strādāt un tu tiksi pārtaisīts desiņās. Gadu vēlāk, saskaņā ar Tavu testamentu, testaments tiks nolasīts ziņās un cilvēki visapkārt valstij vienlaicīgi sāks kārtīgi korķēt.
Intest You Intest Me Difficulty level: 4 Sometimes you want to do something violent and bloody but you just don't have the wherewithal to assemble a cache of assault weapons. This method is simple and convenient for those on limited budgets. Make a small incision in your stomach. Pull out your intestines. Hang yourself with the intestines. A cryptic note about aliens might be a nice touch.
Zarno Mani, Zarno Tevi
Grūtības līmenis: 4
Dažreiz Tu vēlies izdarīt kautko patiešām asiņainu un vardarbīgu, vai ne? Bet Tev vienkārši trūkst iespēju savākt kārtīgu daudzumu kaujas ieroču. Šī metode ir vienkārša un īpaši ērta tiem, ar ierobežotiem līdzēkļiem.
Izdari nelielu iegriezumu sev vēderā. Izvelc savas zarnas. Izmanto tās, lai pakārtu sevi. Zīmīte par ļaunajiem citplanētiešiem būtu labs piedūriens.
Sekojošās metodes netulkošu, jo čaļa, kas rakstījis šos suņa murgus, angļu valoda īsti netulkojas, jā tas ir īstais un vienīgais maddox.
I was applying for a job to become a suicide prevention counselor the other day, when the guy interviewing me started bitching about how boring his job had become. The only people he ever hears from anymore are 14 year old girls who try to overdose on Tylenol. YAWN. How about killing yourself with some style? How about killing yourself like a man? Here are some manly ways to shove off this mortal coil, along with ratings for each category from 1 to 10:
Eat a tub full of beans:
Manliness: 8 Style: 4 Awesomeness: 8 Mess: 5
How to do it: just dig in, you chunky son of a bitch! Keep eating until you can't possibly eat anymore, then eat some more. Your gut will rupture and you will shit yourself. The cool thing about this method is that it's not only disgusting to clean up, but you'll probably be so bloated from the beans (choose Van Camp's by the way, not Bush's baked beans unless you like the taste of beans pickled in ball sweat) that you probably won't fit in the casket without some serious reconstructive surgery. Guess who's footing the bill for that one? That's right: friends and family. Just kidding. You have no friends.
Hold your breath:
Manliness: 9 Style: 3 Awesomeness: 8 Mess: 0
What you need: balls. How to do it: this is similar to strangling yourself, but the difficulty level is hard. Harder than a priest at a playground. Step 1: Hold your breath.
Step 2: Wait 10 minutes, then go to step 3.
Step 3: If you are reading this, you have failed.
Cadbury surprise:
Manliness: 9 Style: 8 Awesomeness: 12 Mess: 8
hat you need: ice cream scooper, cadbury eggs. How to do it: spoon out your eyes with the ice cream scooper, and replace them with cadbury easter eggs. Then using any of the methods above, kill yourself. Your family may hate the suicide, but everyone loves cadbury cream eggs! Why disappoint your loved ones with plain old boring eyes, when you can surprise them with chocolate instead?! Try to do it around easter. The kids will have hours of fun trying to find the last two treats.
Headbutt the sidewalk:
Manliness: 10 Style: 3 Awesomeness: 10 Mess: 4
What you need: a sidewalk. How to do it: Step 1: Slam your head into the sidewalk.
Step 2: Repeat.
Headbutting is probably the manliest thing ever. Not only is it useful for suicide, it's also a great way to break up with your girlfriend. For example, I couldn't find the words to tell my ex that our relationship was over, so one day while we were watching TV I headbutt her in the tits. Then I picked up my jacket and left. No awkward goodbyes, no "still friends" bullshit. Just a couple of bruised titties and a failed relationship. I rule.
Lick a hooker's ass:
Manliness: 0 Style: 1Awesomeness: 1 Mess: 10
What you need: a hooker, $0.75. How to do it: find a hooker and inquire about her "ass buffet." If she doesn't know what you're talking about, punch her. If she does know what you're talking about, she shouldn't charge you more than 75 cents to lick her ass. You may even get away with not having to pay her since technically it's not sex (unless you're gay, but I'm not sure if it counts if it's a woman). Fair warning: not paying a hooker is considered shoplifting. Once you've done the (mis)deed, you may want to have some alcohol nearby. Make sure it's something strong like turpentine, because you'll be tasting a mouth full of funk and hookers don't always shit properly depending on their clientele. The tingling feeling in your mouth means the disease is working. Just sit back and relax while your penis falls off and you break out in hives. Then just wait a few months and if the other diseases don't get to you first, the AIDS will. Talk about a cheap suicide! At 75 cents, you can't afford not to kill yourself! That's it for now. Just remember: it's your suicide, have fun with it.
Viss, kas šeit rakstīts ir diezgan pretīga ņirgāšanās par nopietnu tēmu. Ja Tu vai kāds Tavs draugs izrāda pazīmes par vēlēšanos izdarīt pašnāvību, Droši vari zvanīt vai ieteikt zvanīt uz Bērnu un jauniešu uzticības tālruni 80009000 (no taksofoniem un fiksētajiem telefoniem)
Materiāli ņemti no šejienes, šejienes un šejienes.
