It was a tough day for America. From 5:30 to 8:30 tonight, every Starbucks was closed. It was terrible. For three full hours, people everywhere were forced to pay a reasonable amount for coffee.
- Jimmy Kimmel
According to CNN News, John McCain would win if only beer drinkers voted. A Democrat, either Hillary or Barack, would win if only wine drinkers voted. Here's the interesting part: If we all got drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot.
- Jay Leno
The big movie that is opening this weekend is the Dr. Seuss film, "Horton Hears a Who." Don't confuse it with the new film about the governor of New York, "Eliot Hires a Ho."
- Jay Leno
Beijing officials continue to claim the air is filled with fog not smog. Yesterday the Olympic torch accidentally ignited the fog.
- Alex Kaseberg
The endorsement offers are pouring in for Michael Phelps. Honestly, I can't see why. The guy hasn't won a gold medal in over three days.
- Alex Kaseberg
Olympic champion Michael Phelps' trading card is now going for as much as $500. That beats the previous record for a swimmer's trading card by $500.
- Jim Barach
Yesterday was Earth Day. Politicians all across America did something to mark Earth Day. For instance, President Bush was photographed with a shovel, and former President Clinton was photographed with a hoe. - Conan O'Brien
This has been a marvelous Olympics for Michael Phelps, but he could not have accomplished what he did without his relay teammates. So let's always remember that one guy, the other guy, and especially that guy who caught the French guy. You know, what's his name? - Alex Kaseberg
President Bush's former press secretary wrote a book. In his book President Bush's former press secretary said that Bush has a "lack of inquisitiveness." When he heard this, Bush said, "I don't know what he's saying, and I don't care." - Conan O'Brien
According to the EPA, lead particles in the air in Los Angeles cost six thousand deaths a year. We call them ‘bullets.' - Jay Leno
A new study reveals that monkeys treat sex as a commodity and females make the males pay for sex by bargaining for the males to do chores like grooming them. Or something like that; I couldn't finish the article because I had to take out the garbage and clean up the garage. - Alex Kaseberg
A big insurance company just announced they will give $10 million to anyone who can invent a car that gets 100 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Exxon says they'll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy. - Conan O'Brien
Paris Hilton is celebrating her 27th birthday on Sunday. It will be nice to see her blowing candles for a change. - David Letterman
The big news from China is that the adorable little girl who sang the National Anthem for the opening ceremony was lip-synching. This is outrageous. If you can't trust an oppressive, totalitarian dictatorship... - Craig Ferguson
A new study has found that most married couples have better sex when they're on vacation. The study found that it's especially true if the wife goes to Hawaii and the husband goes to Las Vegas.
- Conan O'Brien
At a Kansas zoo, a female golden retriever has adopted and nursed three white tiger cubs. The owners of the dog said they expected something like this would happen when they named the dog Angelina Jolie. - Alex Kaseberg
Starbucks is closing 600 stores. This is going to be very inconvenient for a lot of people. They may actually have to walk across the street to the other Starbucks.
- Alex Kaseberg
President Bush gave a rousing inspirational speech yesterday to the U.S. Olympics Fencing team. Bush told the athletes, "Now go out there and build that fence."
- Conan O'Brien
Paris Hilton says that she wants to create an animation show about a superhero based on herself. Paris Hilton's superhero will be called "The Fantastic Four...way."
- Conan O'Brien
Paris Hilton fired back at the McCain campaign with her own political ad calling Senator McCain a wrinkly, white-haired guy, and talking about her energy policy. Which until this point has been vodka and Red Bull.
- Jimmy Kimmel
China has officially announced that during the olympics, serving dog meat will be prohibited in Beijing restaurants. Which gives a brand new meaning to the phrase "Hello Kitty".
A study says that living with humans has taught dogs intelligence and morals. Unfortunately, that hasn't been the same case with humans. -Jim Barach
Wait until he is really motiviated
In the Beijing Olympics, Jamaica’s Usain Bolt set a world record in the 200 meters after setting one in the 100 meters. You think he’s fast now? Wait until he has airport security chasing him when they find out his first name is Usain.
It has been reported that O.J. Simpson's girlfriend is younger than his daughter. When O.J. first met the woman, he said, "I can't date you. I'm old enough to murder your father."
- Conan O'Brien
Queen Elizabeth is 81 years old this week. She is England's oldest queen. Second place: Elton John
- David Letterman
Freddie Mac is hoping to bolster its balance sheet by selling $10 billion worth of new stock. Now they just have to find 10 billion people who haven't read or watched the news in the last six months.
- Jake Novak
The price of milk has gone up 36 percent. Here's what happened: The cows have joined OPEC.
- David Letterman
This week, residents of a Romanian village decided to reelect their dead mayor rather than vote for the younger man running against him. When he heard about it, John McCain said, "That's a good sign."
- Conan O'Brien
It's the Clintons 32nd wedding anniversary. Even after 32 years, Bill planned a very romantic evening . . . candlelight dinner . . . dancing . . . and then home to Hillary.
- David Letterman
John McCain has announced plans for a manned mission to Mars. The man he wants to send is Barack Obama. - Craig Ferguson
This is a Super week. Super Bowl on Sunday followed by Super Tuesday. If you have a baby this week, it will grow up to be a Supermodel... or work in a Supermarket. Either way you'll save on food.
- Craig Ferguson
Fox News showed a New Hampshire turkey farmer Sunday who fattens up his holiday turkeys by feeding them Coors. It's a start. Now if he could get all the turkeys in New Hampshire drunk, it just might make the next presidential debate worth watching.
- Argus Hamilton
This week the world's tallest man, who is almost eight feet tall, was introduced to the world's smallest man, who is only 29 inches tall. The world's tallest man was thrilled and described the world's smallest man as delicious. - Conan O'Brien
Izcils humors!
