Funny men5

1. Men like to barbeque. Men will cook if danger is involved. 2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. 3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. 4. Most husbands’ or men’s early films end with a scream and a flush. 5. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald” 6. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. 7. Men are very confident people. A husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates, he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from the living room, and if they are really in trouble, the wife has to get off the phone in case they call him. 8. If its attention you want, dont get involved with a man during playoff season. 9. Men like phones with lots of buttons. it makes them feel important. 10. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. 11. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. 12. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. 13. Dont try to teach men how to do anything in public. they can learn in private; in public they have to know. 14. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. 15. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. Sleep with one under your pillow, instead of a gun. 16. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. 17. Men love watches with multiple functions. A husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. 18. All men hate to hear, “We need to talk about our relationship”. These seven words strike fear in the heart of even the Inspector General of Police. 19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. 20. Men are sensitive in strange ways, If a man has built a camp fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. 21. All men think that they’re nice guys. Some of them are not. Ask disgruntled women for a list of names. 22. Men dont get cellulite. 23. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Woman have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. 24. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, sleep next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. 25. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. Rarely does a man walk into a party and say “Oh my Gosh. Im so embarassed; get me out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo” 26. Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 27. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. 28. If you’re dating a man who you think is Mr. Right. and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on caterpillars and butterflies. 29. Men own basketball teams. Every cheerleaders’ outfits get tighter and players’ shorts get baggier and longer. 30. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. 31. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. 32. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. 33. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. 34. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. 35. Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am i emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outstropective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?” 36. If a man says “I’ll call you,” and if he doesn’t, he didnt forget, he didnt lose your number, he didnt die, he just didnt want to call you. 37. Men hate to lose. If a woman beats he husband at tenis, she might ask him “Are we ever going to be in love again?” He might say, “Yes, but not with each other” 38. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women. 39. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you really want to get rid of a man, say “I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks. 40. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: “Mitch you look great.” Mitch: “Thanks.” On the other side: “Ruth, you look great.” Ruth: “I do? Must be the lighting” 41. Impulse buyin is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network. 42. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit. 43. Only men who have worn a ski suit understands how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit. 44. Men dont feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women’s dresses usually button and zip in the back. Women need men emotionally and intimately, but they also need men to help them get dressed. 45. Men are self confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. 46. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk. 47. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. 48. Men forget everything: Women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened. 49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. 50. All men would still really like to own a train set.