Anekdotes angliski3

Sveiki, spoki!!! Atradu labas anekdotes angļu valodā. Tiešām smieklīgas! :D maz jo viņas ir garas. Nezinu kāpēc tik garas, bet tā ir. Jauku lasīšanu!!! :D
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I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with demntia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
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Two nude statues - one of a man, one of a woman - stand on opposite corners of a park, facing each other. After decades, a fairy godmother sees them and, feeling impish, turns them human. "You have an hour to do anything you like, then it's back on the pedestals with you."
The woman looks at the man and asks, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
He looks at her and says, "Absolutely."
They rush into the bushes, hand-in-hand, and excessive grunting and thrashing can be heard. A half hour later, he steps out, looks at the park clock and calls back into the bushes, "Okay, time's half up. Now you hold the pigeons while I shit on them!"
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Q: Someone that knows three languages is trilingual. Someone that knows two languages is bilingual. So what do you call someone that only knows one language?
A: An American.
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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
* The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
* The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
* The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
* After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
* The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
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