Today, I went bowling. I noticed a 10-year-old holding an iPod Touch which had the exact same customized case with my name on it as my iPod that was stolen a year ago at the same bowling centre. Even better, the parents yelled at me for accusing him. I got kicked out the bowling centre. FML
Today, my roommate decided to go vegan after watching a PETA video. She began this new-found lifestyle by throwing out all of the non-vegan items in the house, including some prime rib we had recently purchased, all of our ice cream, and my chocolate stash. FML
Today, I went out to a restaurant with a girl I have been dating. The only conversation was about how proud she was of her fart during work earlier, and how she managed to clear out a section of the office. FML
Today, I found a notebook my 12-year-old sister had been doodling in. Turns out the "doodles" were poems full of obscenities and descriptions of how she wanted to hurt herself. When I showed it to my mom, she accused me of writing the notebook myself to frame my sister. FML
Today, 60 guests for my wedding were supposed to arrive to the Bahamas. The first and only hurricane of the season decided to crash my wedding, stranding my mom, maid of honor and best man. No one will be able to attend my wedding, except the other drunken hotel guests. FML
Today, my mom called me an asshole. She was embarrassed when she saw that a visiting family member had overheard, and tried to cover it up with, "Honey, you are a casserole! You are just delicious, any guy is gonna want you sweetie!" She honestly thought this would work. FML
Today, I was fired for actively seeking employment with another company. Because of having just been fired, the other company will no longer give me the time of day. FML
Today, I found a ticket on my motorcycle for not parking in a designated spot. The space I had parked my bike in was occupied by a large van. Some asshole had moved my bike. FML
Today, I got back my history paper. The whole paper had been crossed out and at the end, my professor had written "Really?!" I still don't know what I did wrong. FML
Today, my boyfriend found a take-out menu under my bed. It's probably been there for months. He looked at it and said, "Well, that explains a lot." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went on a romantic date to a botanical garden in the hills. A giant bushfire erupted in the hills on our way, meaning we're now stuck out here because the roads are closed. So romantic. FML
Today, I was fired for actively seeking employment with another company. Because of having just been fired, the other company will no longer give me the time of day. FML
